I Saw You Today

I saw you today, standing up there with her as she tried to hold back every tear. You stood by her rubbing her back saying “Baby you got this” when she stood there talking about you. I saw you today, laughing at every single one of us crying because you’re gone and none of us were ready, telling us to “suck it up wimps, I’m fine” and just danced around the room. I saw you today, standing there besides your brother with a beer in your hand looking at the pictures they set up of you telling him each story of the ones he was pointing out and he laughed like he heard every one.

I saw you today, standing proud as they folded your flag, as they saluted your flag.

I saw you today, you walked right up to me and looked me in the eyes and told me to Love more, be more, and do more, hold my babies tighter and kiss my husband slower. You told me that you are here for me when ever I needed you, and that you’ll always listen and to never take a day of my life for granted. You just gave me a hug and walked away.

None of us were ready for you to leave, all of us wishing for more time, But we are happy you are better now walking, dancing, and jumping around drinking a few beers. You touched so many peoples hearts and lives, You are such a great person, husband, father and friend and you will be so incredibly missed.

I saw you today and I hope to see you again someday.

It’s okay not to be in love with being pregnant again.

First off, if you found out you are pregnant again or finding out you are pregnant for the first time, Congratulations! Having a child is the best gift you could ever have.

Back in January James and I had a miscarriage and I was heartbroken, I didn’t move from my bed,  you never understand pain until you lose a child ( even if you only carried that child for a small amount of time).

When we found out that we were pregnant again of course we were excited and over joyed, but still being 7 months pregnant today, I’m not in love with it like I was with Bentley or my angel baby. I actually see my self wishing that my baby was here more and more, just because I hate feeling sluggish and miserable all the time. For months I would beat my self up saying “I don’t deserve this child” or calling my self a bad mother. I talked to my OBGYN and let him know my concerns, and how I felt about my self and this pregnancy.

{Now I would like to let it be known so no one gets mixed signals, I am in love with this child, and I would not take back being pregnant or having this baby.}

My OBGYN explained to me that it’s okay with the way I feel and that its normal, especially after having a miscarriage.  You’re going to feel as if it’s your fault and that you did something wrong but you didn’t and that the best thing for you do is talk to someone, be it your spouse, partner, friends, or your doctor/midwife . Anyone that will lend an ear to listen to what you have to say, and not judge you for how you feel or felt is the best for your self and that new little bundle of joy you are carrying.

I feel my self worrying more and more if something’s wrong with the baby because the farther along I get the harder it will be if something were to happen on me and my family. My doctor says that I’m just scared to get attached to him and feel hopeless that is there nothing I could do if something were to occur. He told me that it’s normal and just to try and relax as much as I can, because getting my self all worked up and worried is not very healthy for the baby and I.

Also just know, that you are not alone and that there are people out there that can help you. Other mothers out there that understand what exactly you are going through and have gotten though the same struggle.

So talk to someone, let them know how you are feeling. and what you are feeling, maybe they have been through it or are going through it as well and you can become your own little support group.

Thank you for reading

Jessica Wallace